Author Topic: The Community Dwarf Fort Thread (Read 6923 times)

saltmummy626 · « **Reply #60 on:** August 14, 2016, 08:36:58 pm »

Fucking. Some of Perigrins mussel shell crafts are just as valuable, if not more so, than base quality gold crafts. I just traded away two mussel shell figurines (decorated) that were worth 750 each. Also this is the first time I've had a visiting merchant make a counter offer on a trade instead of just refusing the trade outright.

"Hello hello merchants!" said Saltmummy, waving as she approached the visiting traders. Chaosvolt was already moving to intercept her, "I am very important kobold! I speak with you." The merchants were watching her approach with confusion. Who was this now? Did these bolds elect a new trader? Chaosvolt stopped her short, "No no saltmummy. You too important for trade. Go..." Chaosvolt shook her head. "Just go back inside." "you sure?" asked Saltmummy as apetheticexcuse took her by the arm. "She's sure Saltmummy, come on. We'll get milk."
One of the merchants looked to Chaosvolt and asked "Shaman?" Chaosvolt only nodded, "Shaman." "It's a shame. I wonder how we got to a point were we started fooling some of our kind into believing they had magic powers." Said one of the merchants. The other just stroked his chin, "Probably because it's hilarious. I heard the humans call their version 'fools' or 'village idiots.'" Chaosvolt wasn't terribly close to Saltmummy, but the idea that she was shaman for no other purpose than to have someone to make fun of irked her a bit. Maybe there would be a time later to sit Saltmummy down and explain a few things. For now though, business was business.

Chaosvolt · « **Reply #61 on:** August 14, 2016, 08:48:43 pm »

It would've been hilarious if you'd hit "any citizen can trade" and Saltbold was the one heading for the depot.

And I guess shamans being the only ones able to count makes them magic. o3o

saltmummy626 · « **Reply #62 on:** August 14, 2016, 08:52:07 pm »

Quote from: Random_Dragon on August 14, 2016, 08:48:43 pm

It would've been hilarious if you'd hit "any citizen can trade" and Saltbold was the one heading for the depot.
And I guess shamans being the only ones able to count makes them magic. o3o

That's what I was alluding to, as the broker (chaosvolt) was sleeping and I just wanted to get the trading done. Saltbold WAS the kobold headed for the depot, but chaosvolt woke up just before the trade goods had all been delivered to the depot and was able to perform as normal. I would have just left trade details out of the report if it hadn't happened that way. Didn't even get to trade away all the crafts either. No way am I giving away 42K in profits for some bins of cloth and two barrels of milk.

Shh. No spoilers.

Chaosvolt · « **Reply #63 on:** August 14, 2016, 08:54:36 pm »

Pbbbbt. It's like I'm psychic. o3o

Forrest · « **Reply #64 on:** August 14, 2016, 09:12:37 pm »

Fucking hell, mussel shell crafts decorated with hanging rings of mussel shell and menacing with spikes of mussel shell are worth more than solid gold?

Thank you, Based Carver Peri. And thank you, DF economy.

saltmummy626 · « **Reply #65 on:** August 14, 2016, 09:28:20 pm »

I'm into the final month now. Having to keep a close eye on the date because the change of season is VERY easy to miss.

"And that's how it is Salt." Said Chaosvolt. She'd chosen to have this conversation in Saltmummy's cramped office instead of anywhere else in the warren where just about any other kobold could hear and possibly butt in. Saltmummy sat at her desk with her chin on her chest, thinking. It was a lot to take in. Since she was very small she was told that she would be a shaman, and now Chaosvolt had just informed her that the whole job was a farce. "So you saying I not important?" Oh boy. "No Saltmummy. I'm saying your title is little more than an excuse to beat up on a few kobolds. Like that friend people keep around just to make fun of. That doesn't mean your unimportant though." Saltmummy looked up at her, "How I important then? If shaman is useless, then how I important?"
"For one," said Chaosvolt, "You make everyone feel better about themselves. For two, a lot of kobolds actually take the bone casting very seriously (this was a lie). For three though, the shamans are always taught about numbers. No one else really understands numbers except the broker. The shamans job is to count things and make sure we have things." Chaosvolt wasn't sure that would do the trick, but it was all she had to go with. To her surprise, it did. "Aya, kobolds bad with numbers. I count all day! I tell you how much mussel treasure we-" She was cut off with a gesture, "no no, that's alright. You get the point though. Life will get better, especially when you stop letting us throw "parties" for you." You know what, after you are done as leader, why don't you go teach people about... I don't know, whatever you want to teach them about. In the temple I mean. After you cast the bones in spring of course."

Chaosvolt · « **Reply #66 on:** August 14, 2016, 09:41:10 pm »

This is just fucking adorable. Meanwhile Six is just off in the distance, trying to remind me to make more bins. o3o

saltmummy626 · « **Reply #67 on:** August 14, 2016, 10:09:21 pm »

Quote from: Random_Dragon on August 14, 2016, 09:41:10 pm

This is just fucking adorable. Meanwhile Six is just off in the distance, trying to remind me to make more bins. o3o

*giggle* oh, he isn't going to be happy considering I love huge stockpiles and rarely use bins.

Gathered in the new temple instead of a thrown together hide tent this time, the three sat, ready for the spring casting. Saltmummy had done away with the smudge this time, realizing it was just one more thing on top of the needless joke of the shaman "image." "Ok, this year, new bones. These ones from long neck thing." She explained. "A giraffe, yes." Said apatheticexcuse. "can we get this over with?" One of the things saltmummy still believed in was the casting. "Don't be in hurry Apathetic. Maybe you leader this time?" Something occured to Chaosvolt then. Perhaps keeping the shamans in the dark also served another purpose. If they knew their duty was a farce, or if they were particularly wicked... Saltmummy would never... Alter the results of the casting? Sure very few kobolds ever took the casting seriously, but what if they did? Hell, what if they just did what they always did and followed the castings simply to humor the shamans so as to not let on to what they knew about that duty? A chill ran down her spine as she realized what kind of power the shamans could hold whether anyone believed in them or not, and what kind of power she would hold if she could convince Saltmummy if she hadn't figured it out already on her own.

Saltmummy cast the bones. "Bones say, Saltmummy did fine job, but could be better." She frowned at that, and tossed them again. "Bones say Chaosvolt finest wood carver in all of kobold kind, makes many beds and doors for all. Very comfortable beds." Saltmummy winked at Chaosvolt at that last bit. "Bones say... HA! Bones say Apathetic in charge now!" Apatheticexcuse started rubbing her temples "God. Damnit. I don't have time for that." Saltmummy was pointing and laughing like it was some kind of joke. "HA! YOU IN CHARGE! YOU IN CHARGE!" Apatheticexcuse stood up "Shut up Saltmummy! If I'm in charge now, then I guess we will have to throw you a 'party.'" Saltmummy didn't seem to care, "YOU IN CHA-ARGE! YOU IN CHA-ARGE!" Apathetic was getting a headache. Chaosvolt just rolled her eyes and wondered if Saltmummy was just making it up. Either way though, it seemed Apatheticexcuse was in charge now. Who knew what the following year would bring.

Here's the save. I've takent he liberty of packing it with a copy of dwarf fortress simply for the convenience of the next player. I'll also be PM'ing this link to apathetic.
http://dffd.bay12games.com/file.php?id=12355
A fairly uneventful year, but fairly interesting. Especially at the sheer number of arrows kobolds can put in motion all at once or how many items they can craft in such a short period of time.

oh yeah and I forgot to mention it but,

Quote from: Forrest on August 14, 2016, 02:36:09 pm

Could I get a warbold named after me? I won't be playing, as I suck at Fortress Mode, but I'll still keep up with what's goin' on.

I gave you a pointy stick with a rock on the end and a position in the stabbers.

Forrest · « **Reply #68 on:** August 14, 2016, 10:27:14 pm »

Quote from: saltmummy626 on August 14, 2016, 10:09:21 pm

oh yeah and I forgot to mention it but,
Quote from: Forrest on August 14, 2016, 02:36:09 pm
Could I get a warbold named after me? I won't be playing, as I suck at Fortress Mode, but I'll still keep up with what's goin' on.
I gave you a pointy stick with a rock on the end and a position in the stabbers.

"Kithikrikgauswana!"

Rough translation: FUCK YEAH.

Chaosvolt · « **Reply #69 on:** August 14, 2016, 10:37:59 pm »

I'll admit, this way or narrating it is a lot more amusing than my rambling. o3o

ApatheticExcuse · « **Reply #70 on:** August 16, 2016, 05:46:42 am »

((I don't suppose anyone knows where I can re-download SL's mapviewer. I'd like to upload full site before and afters to DFMA, but it appears the links there are all broken and no longer maintained. BTW, your bolds all seem rather pleasant. Mine will not be because SWEARING, YAY! Also, good work with this mod, RD. Finding all kinds of little spoilery stuff here, some of which will soon be revealed.))

Spring - 1st of Granite

Of Old the Kobold race was marked off from the barbarian as more keen-witted and more free from nonsense.
- Koboldotus I: 60

So, the bones tell that halfwit that I get to lead the fort, eh? Well, shit. It's not like I don't have anything better to do, but at least I can get this sorry mess of an outpost whipped into military shape. Literally, if need be.

See, much as these other guys have done a decent enough job of making a happy, pleasant little hole in the ground at the behest of the tribal elders, or whoever ordered us out into the middle of this fucking cooking fire of a grassland, I can't find a single reason as to why we Kobolds need another little trading post full of stolen mittens and a billion shitty shell crafts. I can see why we'd need a true bastion against the world - literally everyone is out to try to kill us. Touchy bastards when it comes to those mittens I guess. People might tell you that dwarves are the best warriors out there, or that the elves have it right with their shadowy attacks and bowmanship, but they have it all wrong - it's us Bolds who are the true badasses. Smaller than the dwarves, with none of their fancy shiny metal crap or "martial trances" - what a load of shit that is - we have still gotten by for.. well shit, we've gotten by since the beginning of time, all while the dwarves and humans and everyone else is getting fucked up the ass by demons and goblins and eachother. What does that tell you?

So, as Boldest of the Bolds, and Warmaster of this little shithole, I tell you that things are going to change. So what if our super-awesomely chosen symbol is a dragon fucking us up the ass? Us bolds are going to be a force to be reckoned with, mark my words. I have a plan, and it's the damnedest planniest plan that was ever... plun? Planned? I don't fucking know. It's a good plan. You'll see.

First things first - gotta take stock of where we are, and I'm going to keep some real fucking records, fitting of an army. Good thing I got this handy bit of skin to scratch shit down on - we've got alot of crap around and I don't think I'd be able to remember it all.

Spoiler (hover to show)

Right. 61 of us Bolds, and 15 of us are "farmers". What the fuck is a "farming"? I sure as hell don't know. Wanna know how many Bolds it takes to keep us "farmeded"? 61 - one to milk, one to hold whatever the fuck you're milking, and one to kill it when you're done milking and make some booze, then 58 of of us to have better fucking things to do. As it should be. And for those 61 one of us, guess how many even know which end of the spear goes forward? 18. And just barely.

Least there's an absolute fucking shitload of fucking dogs around. Gotta say, I like those dogs better than most Bolds I've met - they'll look out for ya even when they're bleeding all over, guts torn out by a Dwarfy axe, head half stomped in. Hell of a lot more Bold than half the fucking Bolds I've met.

Well, fuck it. Let's wait for a fight and see who gets killed before bothering to train any of these lungfish fuckers. In the meantime, I've sent those three guys to play jerk-off-the-goat and get us some booze, and another dude to chop up some of this shitty river food until it looks edible. Nothing to drink, and garbage to eat - it's bumming me out a little bit.

Spoiler (hover to show)

Besides that, it looks like we're actually pretty set in the armament department. I'm going to pull one of these craftyfuckers off making shit out of shells or whatever and get some arrows going - gotta make sure our archers can actually get a little practice in besides shooting up the wildlife occasionally.

I've also got the miners at work. More on that when I get some progress out of the lazy shits.

Spring - 217th Slate

Well, no sooner do I state we're wasting time shooting up fucking giraffes and other assorted bullshit that makes up the menagerie of critters living around us, then a fucking turtle of all fucking things has to come and prove me wrong. At least it proved me right about what a sorry state this place is in for a military operation. Fucking ate up the leg of some stupid fuck before the troops got there and poked it to death slowly like a bunch of pansy ass elves.

Here's a little drawing I made of what our nice, orderly entryway looked like after that fight. Look at all the red Kobold bits.

Here's a tip, Boldy McFisherfuck, don't try to kick the fucking turtles when they're doing their own shit. He's fine, but is likely going to spend the rest of his life taking up a perfectly good bed in the water bucket room.

Miners finally hogged out a nice little bedroom fitting for a Warmaster. I figured I'd add one for the idiot Shaman and that goody-goody "I set up a great fort" jerk Chaosvolt. I'm NOT moving their shit in for them though. Forgot to sketch this one out for my records - I was a little bit loopy on that booze our dumbass brewer turned out - apparently the only shit he knows how to make is pretty much just milk that he spits in and then leaves to rot for a few weeks. Least it gets you drunk.

Spring - 20th Felsite

And no sooner am I done telling some idiot to clean that turtle shit up, then that weird little Bold who thinks he's a Dragon or the God-Bold or something runs in and says

"Hey Apa, I know you're busy, but I thought you might want to know people have been brawling pretty much non-stop in the tavern since you brewed that liquor."

"GO THE FUCK AWAY CHAOS. DON'T TELL A WARMASTER HOW TO DEAL WITH A COMBAT SITUATION!"

Dipshit, don't tell me how to run my fort just because you settled us here with zero incidents. Nothing going wrong for a Bold like that makes the Warmaster a bit suspicious.

Anyway, I figured I should check it out - maybe if someone's good enough at stomping baby ducks or whatever, I can turn them into a useful recruit.

Spoiler (hover to show)

Nope, just a big cluster fuck of dogs, most of whom are already more trained than our piddly army anyway. Also, some "dog child"s, whatever the fuck those are. In the middle of watching this shit happen and getting myself a drink, some asshole ran up to me and yelled:

"I'M GOING HUNTING BOSS!"

Well, good for fucking you, ya nob. Remember not to kick the fucking turtles.

ApatheticExcuse · « **Reply #71 on:** August 16, 2016, 06:31:52 am »

“Let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some great thing that shall be told among Bolds hereafter.”
― Apathetic the Bold, progenitor of the line of Excuse

Summer - 7th Hematite

Nice quote, eh? Great, great, great, great grandpa said that right before he got stomped by a Giant. Also said a girl couldn't fight. I'll show that dick.

Alright, to buisiness. My fucking amazing plan to build the strongest army ever seen is well underway. You'll fucking see. The miners have pulled up enough stone for the secret project to get moving, and I managed to carve out a humble little tomb for myself at the same time. I had that shitknuckle shaman whip up some of those badass red and purple torches for me - between the cool shit he can do with fire, and how on board he is with the secret plan, I'm starting to think I misjudged him.

Had our first casualty this season too. No, not glorious fucking battle. Near as I can tell, she went to reach for her baby on the entry ramp, tripped over a goose hard enough to make it bleed a bit, then just fucking gave up on life and toppled over. I don't fucking know, but she probably deserved it if that's her attitude.

((I honestly have no idea - one second reaching for her baby in the messages, the next second, splat. The Warmaster's account is pretty much as close as I can figure as to what happened too.))

Course, everyone just HAD to lose their shit over it, and slowed down progress on my mighty military project. Fucking weakass "Bolds".

Anyway, no fucking loss there, besides the productivity. Had a bunch of migrants decide to show up right after.

"Hi there, we've come to join your settlement so that we may craft fine..."

Guess even the stupidest fucking Bold can figure out which end of the spear to hold if you throw it at him a little. Welcome to the fucking army boys! We've now got a full second squad of spearbolds. We'll need 'em with how shit the training regime is here. At least until I get the secret weapon up and running.

Also had one of the idiot crooners that's been bumming around the tavern ask to join us.

"Why do you want to join up? Looking for an army career, boy?" Gotta bark at these stupid kids, ya know?

The scuzzy bastard flipped the elvy hair out of his eyes, and instead of pissing himself, the idiot looked me dead in the eyes. "No, sir. I've just always dreamed of living in a dank, cramped, stinky pit in the ground, eating the same shitty shellfish every day, and drinking rotten milk. I want to seek work here entertaining citizens and visitors."

I was gonna stab him once or twice in the leg to teach the fuck a lesson, but he quickly added "And of course, write great epics about the glorious army you're building." Smug little suckup. Course, I let him stay since I don't want any of the Bolds here getting soft and thinking they can start writing pansy-ass poetry. Couple of his buddies asked to join up later. I only had to stab one of them a few times, and let them all stay. Better have some good tunes next time time I'm drinking.

Summer - 18th Malachite

Decided I needed to fix up our defenses a bit. When I told that fucking Chaos, I could almost smell him wanting to point out stupid shit like "Well, our defenses already offer a great field of fire, without obstruction, and while maximizing Bold to fortification ratio." What a fucking prick. I can totally see him saying that, instead of saying "Well, you're the Warmaster. I'm sure you'll devise an even more effective strategy than what's in place already" all sincerely-like and polite like he did. I tell you, there's something fucking wrong with a Bold who's "nice" like that.

Yeah, our single tower does give a great field of fire without obstruction and maximizes the BtF ration, but it doesn't LOOK scary. As great, great, great, great grandpa would have told you while he was shitting all over himself right before that foot pushed his head into his ribcage, it doesn't matter how badass you are if the thing you're fighting *looks* really big and scary and badass. So I'm expanding our tower - it's gonna link up with some existing structures and a new tower over by the secret army project. The Shaman, Salty, asked me to leave the temple out of it for religious shit. I'm pretty good with that - I think that fucker is smarter than he looks, and he's been solid so far.

He even got me to stop by the temple for a bit. It ain't too bad for a fucking diddly preachy place. There's a pretty slick statue there I kinda liked - fact, I liked it enough I pulled a mason of the military project and had him put another version of it together faster than you can say "PUT A FUCKING COPY OF THAT STATUE TOGETHER OR I'LL FUCKING GUT YOU'. It's gonna go on top of the original tower, just to make it a bit taller and more scary-like.

((Seriously, that's pretty neat. The fact that you can customize aspects of things you're producing is also coming in great help for the PROJECT.))

Summer - 29th Galena

Pretty quiet this month. Some more cockgobbling fisherbolds, "farmers", and the like wandered up. Funny how everyone is an accomplished archer when it comes down to using a lockbow or having it used on you. Welcome to the army to you too, boys! Whole force is still pretty fucking worthless as far as I can tell, but the project is nearly done, and it won't matter soon.

ApatheticExcuse · « **Reply #72 on:** August 16, 2016, 07:22:16 am »

"Is this all your king has to offer this year?" he jeered. "Such puny creatures. Hardly even a snack for the mighty creature within the labyrinth. Anyway, let's get on with it. I am not a hard-hearted man, so I will let you choose which one goes first into the Minotaur's den. Who is it to be?"
- Excerpt from Bubbabeseus and the Minotaur

Autumn - 15th Limestone

FINALLY, SOME FUCKING ACTION.

Apparently the resources getting put into my project have been noticed by some of the more fierce wildlife around here. Guess what the fuck we had show up!

An honest to motherfuck Minotaur! In retrospect, I think it was all the roads - these sorts of fucking critters are just absolutely super-gay for fucking roads. I don't know why, and I don't care - I'm pretty fucking super gay for killing shit like this, so the more the better.

Man, was I ever fucking pumped about this - I'd finally get to stab something that wasn't trying to sing shitty elf-pop at me! I mustered our forces, check my arrow supply, and cried the charge! And it was truely glorious.

The minotaur cried some shit about being big and mighty and hungry (I don't fucking know, I was busy laughing my head off like a little fucking girl I was so excited), and charged with what I can only call astonishing speed for something it's size towards the project's proving field. A couple of civvy bolds were in the way - a few of those "farmish" things, and a fisherbold. I'll give the fucking fisher credit, he charged right back at the beast, swinging his hook like he was gonna run the bastard right through and gut it. Course, that didn't happen - instead it pulled off his arms and chucked him a few feet away. Still, I gotta admire his Boldy-ness, and I made a mental note not to shit in his coffin before we scraped him up.

Can't say the same for the other two - they ran like a bunch of pussy elves who've seen a... I don't know, a bear having sex with a tree or whatever scares those cocksuckers. Fucking elves. Who cares. Anyway, they ran for it, but that was apparently about as effective as running towards it - one of them managed to kick the minotaur right in the knee during her death spasms though. She's getting less coffin-shit I suppose.

The fucking thing was just about to get into the workings of the project and fuck a whole three seasons worth of work when the first squad of spearbolds got there. I gotta admit, for a bunch of soft, pansy-ass fucknuggets, they did ok. The minotaur raged and stomped, but for the most part, they stayed clear of it, ducking and rolling around it's feet. My squad caught up, and we filled the fucking bullbitch full of arrows.

You could see the monster was starting to get a little worn out when one of the spearbolds got a pretty fucking clever idea, though it didn't look like much at first. He charged away from the battle, but before I could stick an arrow in the back of his filthy fucking coward skull, he wheeled around, and bolted straight towards the raging minotaur. Jamming his spear in the ground, he launched himself almost as high as our in-progress defensive works, quickly spun the spear around, and then, and I fucking shit you not, he rammed that little fucking stick STRAIGHT THROUGH THE BEAST'S FUCKING SKULL.

Needless to say, I'm pretty fucking impressed. I think this 'Bubbadoo' is a true Bold - I'm sure I'll find a way to reward him as an example to the others soon.

Autumn - 21st Sandstone

The fucking nard Chaos got together with some of the ridiculous, whiny "grievers", and they all came to me all fucking worked up about the tools who'd managed to get themselves ripped apart in the battle.

Bitches, please. We killed a fucking minotaur with three losses, and without a very qualified army. You should all be happy you can still fucking cry - that thing would have ripped your fucking tear ducts out through your asshole if it wasn't for me and Bubba and the rest of the army.

Anyway, they whined for a while about what a fucking tragedy it was, and then finally that fucking prick said "Apa, maybe we should bury the dead so that these poor bolds can move on."

What a fucking nutmunch. Bolds don't move on, they get BOLD. They kill shit, they steal shit, and they have a good fucking time. Bah. Anyway, I figured they would stop crying eventually, but they didn't, the fucks, so I had the miners carve a pretty ample catacomb into the hillside. I also figured I could reward Bubba a bit for being a REAL Bold, so I carved him out a nice little tomb for future use. Let it be known that the Great Warmaster Apa will take care of her men, should they be Bold in Battle. If not, have a shit in your coffins boys, it'll keep them warm for you.

Autumn - 29th Timber

Not a fuck of a lot happening around here. The project is nearly done, as are the expanded defensive works. I'm noticing some of the other bolds around here are kinda being fuckers about the who project thing - I catch them chuckling when they think I'm not fucking looking. Fucking dicknipples. Think they might be the first ones I put to death when this fucker gets running.

ApatheticExcuse · « **Reply #73 on:** August 16, 2016, 07:54:34 am »

"When someone inquired how many Bolds there were, he said, 'Enough to keep all bad men away.'"
-Koboldarch

Winter - 20th Moonstone

We're so fucking close now. Everything's in place - Salty the Shaman just needs to work his magic and finally, Bolds will be a fucking feared force in the world. Goddamn I'm fucking excited.

Looks like the lazy bastards finally got my defensive additions finished too. The entryway AND the project's proving grounds are now well covered - anyone fucking with either before I want them to will be a fucking pincushion.

Winter - 17th Opal

So close. I can almost feel the power building in the wind. Salty assures me that it will happen any moment now.

In other news, a bunch of fucking idiots who seem to think they're dwarves, not bolds, showed up to "trade" the other day. That prick Chaos seemed to think it was important, so I let him deal with the fuckers.

In some ways, it was about time. Now, I don't know who in the fuck decided that a fucking Bold is supposed to be fucking MAKING things rather than stealing them, but the fucktards we have in charge of that bullshit here are FUCKING RELENTLESS. I only wish the fucking bolds around here would put that much effort into the other, actually important shit they could be doing. Look at this massive big pile of fucking shit:

I mean, what the fuck. It's all little fucking figurines of some motherfucker no one has ever even fucking heard of, and it's not even put into fucking boxes or shit. That's right, when the mouthbreathers finish hacking this shitty garbage out of shells or whatever the fuck other trash they can find, they just throw it in a big pile on the ground and fucking forget about it. Like it's fucking LITERAL GARBAGE. Christ. This is why fucking BOLDS should not be FUCKING BUILDING SHIT.

I told Chaos to GET FUCKING RID OF IT ALL, and he muttered something about not wanting to get the outpost too raw a deal. Fucking prick is getting cheeky. Anyway, I watched what he was doing, and it looked to me like the fucks left with a bunch of that shit in exchange for a pile of meat. Finally, no more fucking mussels.

So, I was pretty fucking pleased for a minute. Then I went back down the ramp, and low and behold

That's right. In the time it had taken for those fucking nobs to work out a deal that profited them HUGELY, the fucking craftsbolds had managed to completely replace all the shit we just gave away. Fuck sakes, I need a drink.

Winter - 29th Obsidian

I sat down on my throne, my work complete. Finally, it was ready. Finally, my army would be the mightiest ever seen by man or Bold, and nothing in this world or any other could stop our rise to greatness.

Lightning flashed. Saltmummy danced around, the purplish light of the torches giving his eyes a crazy glint. Everything was perfect, everything was aligned.

But nothing happened. I just sat. The rain died down. Salty stopped dancing around, smiled, said "That fun. Eat time!" and left. And I was left sitting, staring out at my mighty army.

I don't understand. The Shaman assured me it would work. Cast the spell, life comes into the statues, and I have the strongest army of Bolds ever to walk the earth. All modeled after the perfect soldier, we would be unstoppable.

I sat for days. I raged. I cried. I even tried doing the dance Salty had done. No matter how much I raged, they would not move. These soldiers will not learn to use a spear when you throw it at them. They will not use a lockbow if you use it on them first. No matter how much the other Bolds snicker, they will not even crush their skulls out of pity.

I must seek out the Shaman, and we must try again.

------

Apathetic walked into the temple basement. Saltmummy and ChaosVolt were already there, sitting around the eerie, colored flames of a divination fire, and throwing the bones.

"Hi Apa.." started Chaos.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, JUST BECAUSE YOUR GIANT TERRACOTTA ARMY MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME, THE WARMASTER, WHAT TO DO!" Apa screamed, more unhinged than usual. Chaos sighed a little, and shook his head, starting back into the flames.

"SALT. WE MUST TRY AGAIN. WE MUST...."

Salty threw the bones.

"...MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO FUCKING FIX THIS SHIT. I WILL HAVE POWER, AND I WILL..."

Saltmummy held up a hand. "You no worry, Apa. Salt fix."

"Oh, thank Urist. I cannot rule without my army."

"Yes yes, make believe was fun, but it over now. Anyway, it ok. You no need to rule. Bones say someone else in charge now."

"Excellent, we must.. wait, what the fuck did you say?"

"You no in charge now. Bones say we find someone new."

Salty paused, and seeing Apathetic's reaction, quickly added "But you no cry. Bones say you almost did good of job as Chaosvolt."

-------

(Bolds are fun, and RD, it looks like you did some great work on this mod. Good call. Who wants next? It's like 5 in the morning and I'm all full of fucks and exhausted, so I'll upload the save tomorrow.)

Chaosvolt · « **Reply #74 on:** August 16, 2016, 01:59:46 pm »

That. Was fucking beautiful. I am kinda annoyed that we haven't gotten invaders, instead a minotaur gets there first. Holy shit. And I'm amazed they had such an easy time of it, given in my last bold fort, troglodytes were giving them trouble. XP

Utterly Mad

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Author Topic: The Community Dwarf Fort Thread (Read 6923 times)

saltmummy626

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