Utterly Mad

"When someone inquired how many Bolds there were, he said, 'Enough to keep all bad men away.'"
-Koboldarch

Winter - 20th Moonstone

We're so fucking close now. Everything's in place - Salty the Shaman just needs to work his magic and finally, Bolds will be a fucking feared force in the world. Goddamn I'm fucking excited.

Looks like the lazy bastards finally got my defensive additions finished too. The entryway AND the project's proving grounds are now well covered - anyone fucking with either before I want them to will be a fucking pincushion.



Winter - 17th Opal

So close. I can almost feel the power building in the wind. Salty assures me that it will happen any moment now.



In other news, a bunch of fucking idiots who seem to think they're dwarves, not bolds, showed up to "trade" the other day. That prick Chaos seemed to think it was important, so I let him deal with the fuckers.

In some ways, it was about time. Now, I don't know who in the fuck decided that a fucking Bold is supposed to be fucking MAKING things rather than stealing them, but the fucktards we have in charge of that bullshit here are FUCKING RELENTLESS. I only wish the fucking bolds around here would put that much effort into the other, actually important shit they could be doing. Look at this massive big pile of fucking shit:



I mean, what the fuck. It's all little fucking figurines of some motherfucker no one has ever even fucking heard of, and it's not even put into fucking boxes or shit. That's right, when the mouthbreathers finish hacking this shitty garbage out of shells or whatever the fuck other trash they can find, they just throw it in a big pile on the ground and fucking forget about it. Like it's fucking LITERAL GARBAGE. Christ. This is why fucking BOLDS should not be FUCKING BUILDING SHIT.

I told Chaos to GET FUCKING RID OF IT ALL, and he muttered something about not wanting to get the outpost too raw a deal. Fucking prick is getting cheeky. Anyway, I watched what he was doing, and it looked to me like the fucks left with a bunch of that shit in exchange for a pile of meat. Finally, no more fucking mussels.



So, I was pretty fucking pleased for a minute. Then I went back down the ramp, and low and behold



That's right. In the time it had taken for those fucking nobs to work out a deal that profited them HUGELY, the fucking craftsbolds had managed to completely replace all the shit we just gave away. Fuck sakes, I need a drink.

Winter - 29th Obsidian

I sat down on my throne, my work complete. Finally, it was ready. Finally, my army would be the mightiest ever seen by man or Bold, and nothing in this world or any other could stop our rise to greatness.

Lightning flashed. Saltmummy danced around, the purplish light of the torches giving his eyes a crazy glint. Everything was perfect, everything was aligned.



But nothing happened. I just sat. The rain died down. Salty stopped dancing around, smiled, said "That fun. Eat time!" and left. And I was left sitting, staring out at my mighty army.



I don't understand. The Shaman assured me it would work. Cast the spell, life comes into the statues, and I have the strongest army of Bolds ever to walk the earth. All modeled after the perfect soldier, we would be unstoppable.

I sat for days. I raged. I cried. I even tried doing the dance Salty had done. No matter how much I raged, they would not move. These soldiers will not learn to use a spear when you throw it at them. They will not use a lockbow if you use it on them first. No matter how much the other Bolds snicker, they will not even crush their skulls out of pity.

I must seek out the Shaman, and we must try again.

------

Apathetic walked into the temple basement. Saltmummy and ChaosVolt were already there, sitting around the eerie, colored flames of a divination fire, and throwing the bones.

"Hi Apa.." started Chaos.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, JUST BECAUSE YOUR GIANT TERRACOTTA ARMY MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKED DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN FUCKING TELL ME, THE WARMASTER, WHAT TO DO!" Apa screamed, more unhinged than usual. Chaos sighed a little, and shook his head, starting back into the flames.

"SALT. WE MUST TRY AGAIN. WE MUST...."

Salty threw the bones.

"...MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO FUCKING FIX THIS SHIT. I WILL HAVE POWER, AND I WILL..."

Saltmummy held up a hand. "You no worry, Apa. Salt fix."

"Oh, thank Urist. I cannot rule without my army."

"Yes yes, make believe was fun, but it over now. Anyway, it ok. You no need to rule. Bones say someone else in charge now."

"Excellent, we must.. wait, what the fuck did you say?"

"You no in charge now. Bones say we find someone new."

Salty paused, and seeing Apathetic's reaction, quickly added "But you no cry. Bones say you almost did good of job as Chaosvolt."

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(Bolds are fun, and RD, it looks like you did some great work on this mod. Good call. Who wants next? It's like 5 in the morning and I'm all full of fucks and exhausted, so I'll upload the save tomorrow.)