Utterly Mad

Cut your hands off so you don't masturbate and get sent to hell.

Go ahead and cut your dick off while you're at it. 
If you find a gun lying around someone's house check to make sure it's not loaded by looking down the barrel.  If it's too dark to see the tip of the bullet, trying disengaging the safety and pulling the trigger. 
Your immune system is like a muscle, it needs exercise to stay strong.  A good way to maintain a strong immune system is licking public toilet seats. 
STDs are a hoax, there really is no need to wear a condom when having sex with a hooker, even the $10/hr ones.