Remember for this book I have not read through it, I am not even a quarter the way through it.
You know how sometimes when you're drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It's nothing to be concerned about, it's usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.
There exists in the world a spider the size of a dinner plate, a foot wide if you include the legs. It's called the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider, or the "Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider" by those who have actually seen one. It doesn't eat only birds--it mostly eats rats and insects--but they still call it the "Bird-Eating Spider" because the fact that it can eat a bird is the most important thing you need to know about it. If you run across one of these things, like in your closet or crawling out of your bowl of soup, the first thing somebody will say is, "Watch it, man, that thing can eat a goddamned bird." I don't know how they catch birds. I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Flying Bird-Eating Spider said it was ok.
John, possessing a genetic defect that makes him walk toward danger, strode down toward where it looked like some cops were trying to set up a perimeter around the chaos. Somewhere, Charles Darwin nodded and smiled a knowing smile.
It was a wet, chilled morning under a lethargic November sky that had rolled out of bed and thrown on an old, gray, grease-stained T-shirt.
NAME: James DuPree
OVERDUE: 0
ACCT STATUS: A
COMMENTS: THIS MAN HAS WORN THE SAME TROUSERS SINCE HE WAS A TODDLER.
Many memos had circulated at Wally's about abusing the customer comment box on the computer. We have John to thank for that. He worked here a few years ago, after I begged the manager to let him on. John was fired a few months later, but not before he managed to add something to the "Comment" field for pretty much every single customer he served.
NAME: Carl Gass
COMMENTS: If he doesn't have late charges, and you tell him that he does, he LOSES HIS FUCKING MIND.
NAME: Lisa Franks
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 11/15.
NAME: Kara Bullock
COMMENTS: Thinks I have an English accent. Don't forget.
NAME: Chet Beirach
COMMENTS: Always smells like fish. I think he fishes for a living. He's sensitive about it so don't bring it up.
NAME: Rob Arnold
COMMENTS: It's the white Patrick Ewing!
NAME: Cheryl Mackey
COMMENTS: Had sex with her on 7/1