Utterly Mad

REVIEW

Foreword: I'm not very grammatically smart, so this is more of a review and my opinion on things. So you can take it for what it's worth.


Post 1:

It's an interesting setting and I understand the conflict clearly. However, I do not like the style which it is explained. I'm not sure if this is a choice, I haven't read very far yet and I'm writing these in the moment, but I prefer to be showed and not told. So far, you're telling me of all these events, but it would be far more interesting if you could do a prelude, an example.


JULY 1938 – CAMP OF UIJ SOLDIERS

(Procede to tell a story of UIJ soldiers and then they get attacked by CGYI, perhaps all the soldiers get eliminated, but now we get a feeling for a setting and what the combat is like fighting the Tesla Guns especially if this is a first person told prelude.)


That's just me personally. Like I said, if it's a style choice I fully support you. Time will tell as I read on.



Post 2:

Warning, I know nothing about war so you won't see me commenting on that much. I'm secure in the assumption this isn't told like a normal story, but by a History Professor in a class kind of feel. I personally feel like I'm being taught what happened and I'm not experiencing, so it's not really working a whole lot for me. However this could be because I do not care much for war affairs so I don't think it's that cool. I'm still firm in my thought this would be more enjoyable if we were playing the point of view of someone.



Post 3:

I can't decide if the pictures are helpful or kind of ugly to look at in between the writing. It helps since this isn't a character narrative and it makes descriptions easier, but the different photo sizes don't work well with me.

I also can't remember what CGYI or UJI stand for. Or UJK or whatever. It would make things easier if the names created an actual acronym. Better yet, if you would restate their full names at least once again before using the shortened version. It's hard to get back into it when I have to scroll all the way back and remember what their name is.

Edit: I realize now you do restate the names often under the photos and in the story. It was a dry spell for a minute there. Perhaps fix that a little bit.

Once again, I can't really tell you if you're capturing war events really well or not because I don't study them often. So I mean, it's good so far in my opinion. I think the setting is cool.



Post 4:

I do dig the technology and the fact we're delving into some other companies within CGYI and how they weren't necessarily the best people. It does set a strong feel to how the CGYI decides to operate.


Post 5:

No comment.

Siege does a pretty good job at bringing things up to you. Probs to SiegeLion.


Post 6:

No comment, except that the plane posted does not look like it could carry a bomb. But what do I know?


Post 7:

Don't just say "Disturbing Content." Let the audience be absolutely aware of what they're going to read. Tell them specifically: Mention of Suicide, Mention of PTSD. Just saying: "Disturbing Content" could make people feel like it won't effect them because they don't know absolute for sure. A lot of things can be disturbing content. Make it absolute 100% crystal clear to any reader what the content is so they can safely avoid it.

I'm glad narration is taking a different route because it was very boring in my opinion the way it was told before. This is my kind of style.

Ooh! I just thought we were kind of reading off a paper and that's it. Kind of like a letter from one person to another, but now we're getting into some actually narrative and stuff. Here's where I thrive. Get ready.

First, I would try to cut out word repetition. For example, you use "banged" two times to describe knocking on doors relatively close together and it makes it sound odd in my opinion. I would take this and instead make a longer description. So you can use "banged" for one description and on the next say something like: "Hunter, along with two of his men, walked up to the door of one of the houses and pounded on the door with little inhibition."

You get a lengthier chunk of text that way and make it sound cooler. In my opinion. I'd also change "walked up to the door of one of the houses", because saying 'Of' so close together is awkward as well. I'd say: "Walked up to the door of the house around the bend."
 or something of that nature.

I feel like the CGYI soldiers are too nice for getting the children away and waiting for them so they didn't have to see their parents die. I also feel it's unrealistic that all the parents, none, cried or fought back. It would be more interesting if they did, because anyone who did would most likely be shot creating a more threatening atmosphere.

No crying children?

I suppose the CGYI do have hearts? I thought most of them were crazy, or at least the one group in them. The skull guys. I don't know if I really buy the safety of the children and what not. I mean, they are attackers and obviously have no problem with having crazy, mentally unstable people on their team so why would they care?

It was a nice change though. Good idea to make a dialogue from a character's point of view. There should be more of that in the beginning.


Post 8:

We're introducing some strange supernatural elements. I like that.


Post 9:

I don't know if this is a letter, someone talking a radio, or what. That needs clarification.


Post 10:

I don't have too much to say. I would've changed some adjectives and descriptions slightly, but overall it was well written. I think if you went back through and changed a few things and maybe elaborate on the psyche of William, that'd be cool.


Post 11:

I'm confused. I don't know if it's poor reading on my part, but I just can't tell who are good guys and who are bad guys. I will say that it's 2 am right now, but I'd find a way to make it clearer throughout the entire story who is bad, who is good, and who is whatever.




There you go. You don't have to take any of this advice, but this is from the point of view as an average person reading this (granted at 2 am.), so if these are problems I'm finding, I wouldn't be the only one most likely. So I'd look into a few of these things.

Okay to say a few things because I feel there's things you pointed out that I think I should clarify on.

First off since I'm not a soldier I'm not going to write it super realistic. So I'm going to end up writing it as either idealistic or as the stereotypical hell.

Second this started off as setting work for an RP that fell through so I just decided to have some fun with the setting and continue writing.

Third thanks for pointing out that I need to clarify what the disturbing content is rather then just 'disturbing content' so again thanks for pointing that out.

Fourth You mention not expecting the CGYI to have hearts, and I suppose I did set that up. In that post there were numerous ways that I could have made it better, but I was trying to display the more humane and mentally stable side of the Central Government of the Yorinthian Isles military. I went into the post trying to display that there were good men in the CGYI's military instead of just the monsters.

And to blaze through a few things here

It's war, so whilst there is an obvious bad guy (the aggressors) both sides are using gas, both sides are shooting or capturing enemy soldiers that surrender or retreat. So whilst there's an obvious initial bad guy both sides are going to do questionable things in the name of winning the war.