The Pit => General Discussion => Topic started by: Rhodri on March 18, 2015, 04:15:02 am
Title: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rhodri on March 18, 2015, 04:15:02 am
Make jokes or post other funny things here.
Ok, a joke. Hmm...
Ebola. You probably won't get it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 18, 2015, 04:24:50 am
Whats the difference between a software engineer and a Drug Dealer?
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rookie on March 18, 2015, 04:52:20 am
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. Because we're efficient and hate humour.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on March 18, 2015, 08:00:46 am
How many furries does it take to screw in a light bulb? 27. One to do it. Four to draw porn of it, and 22 to fap to the porn because they have a light bulb fetish.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 18, 2015, 08:39:45 am
It's 27 now? What is this some kind of inflation* for furries?
*the economic definition of inflation pls
Here's something of a favourite of mine: --------------------------------------
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on March 19, 2015, 12:15:19 am
Awesome, glad to see someone carried my thread over from the DDA forums, I was actually planning to create the thread when I got home from work, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
Part I https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmHWg3dhEGQ
Part II https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPwNweF0nAc
Part I https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGrQcQ9fWLc
Part II https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13QAPq0236Y
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 19, 2015, 04:20:33 am
A man in his 60's married a woman in her 20's, and was trying for a baby. For months, there was no result, so the man went to his doctor for a sperm count. The doctor said, "Fill up this specimen jar up, and bring it to me tomorrow." And so the man leaves. The next day, the man comes back with an empty jar and says to the doctor, "It didn't work." "What didn't work?" The doctor said. "Well,I was trying it with my right hand, but it didn't work, and so I tried it with my left hand. It still didn't work. So my wife tried with her right hand and it didn't work, her left hand, it didn't work. She even tried with her mouth, and it still didn't work. When her friend came over, she tried with both her hands, even her mouth,and it didn't work." The doctor is dazed. "Your...wife's....friend?!" "Yup.We couldn't get the lid off."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on March 20, 2015, 03:21:04 pm
https://vimeo.com/65102146
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Exodus on March 20, 2015, 04:48:42 pm
I made up one the other day.
What do you call a pagan who's not very into his religion?
If you didn't get it...here's an explanation.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 20, 2015, 05:49:50 pm
I was driving down the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left. Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder.
Yes, I'd careered off the road
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on March 20, 2015, 06:19:05 pm
Q: Why don't pirates play poker? A: Because the're always standing on the deck.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rhodri on March 20, 2015, 06:37:40 pm
Q: Why don't pirates play poker? A: Because the're always standing on the deck.
The large deck, looking up at Uranus.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 21, 2015, 05:50:53 am
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on March 23, 2015, 06:35:35 am
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OORDc2Ad2io
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 23, 2015, 08:53:43 am
What did the North Tower say to the South Tower?
I'll talk to you later. I have to catch a plane.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on March 23, 2015, 09:48:26 am
Too soon? Nope. If I can be telling mom jokes less than a year after her passing(March 18, 2014) then we can tell 9/11 jokes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 24, 2015, 06:27:50 pm
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" ... He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 26, 2015, 05:17:44 am
Who are the fastest readers? 9/11 jumpers: 87 stories in less than 2 minutes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on March 26, 2015, 10:54:02 pm
What's worse than ten babies in one crib?
One baby in ten cribs!
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on March 26, 2015, 11:03:35 pm
What's the difference between a mallard with a cold, and a pack of ketchup? I can't remember, but your mother is a WHORE
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 28, 2015, 07:27:31 am
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Exodus on April 02, 2015, 12:41:03 am
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was searching for a world where it wouldn't be questioned.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rhodri on April 02, 2015, 12:42:41 am
No you won't for I am secretly a mutant abomination with superpowers.
As proven by your profile pic.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 02, 2015, 04:35:57 am
A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a young girl crying on a bench.
"What's wrong?" he asks the girl.
"My puppy ran into the lake and he couldn't get out, so my dad went in to get him and they both drowned."
The man pauses and unzips his fly.
"Well I guess today just isn't your day."
he takes off his pants, and jumps into the lake to retrieve both bodies, then stays with her until the paramedics arrive.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Exodus on April 02, 2015, 01:55:22 pm
[Went to a joke site to help this out a bit]
"How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?"
"Shoot him before he hits the water."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 02, 2015, 02:06:39 pm
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, "Whack, oops!"
A bad skydiver goes "Oops, whack!"
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 05, 2015, 05:57:16 pm
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says “Can I have a glass of water too.” The first chemist broke down in tears – his assassination attempt had failed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on April 09, 2015, 06:28:34 pm
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
Guy goes to a bar and meets a stunning girl and she takes him home>> After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim and shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!"
A cop is staking out a country pub for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the main bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?" The guy says,"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 11, 2015, 04:03:22 am
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Saviour?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Six on April 11, 2015, 12:46:18 pm
The Government.
Huehuehue
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 11, 2015, 04:25:03 pm
A Canadian, an American, and a Mexican were all killed in a plane crash. Out of all the passengers on-board they were the only ones sent to hell.
When they arrived in hell, they found themselves face to face with the Devil.
The Devil, upon seeing them, said "What are you three doing here?", but before any of the startled men could form a coherent answer, the Devil already had turned away from them and seemed to be checking some sort of computer terminal.
Turning back to the men, he said "None of you are supposed to be here yet. That plane crash was a freak accident, although you all belong here, you have arrived before your time. This happens from time to time, the man upstairs likes to have a laugh and surprise me now and then."
The American, being the boldest of the three, spoke up. "So does that mean we get to go back? Do we get a chance to change our ways so that we don't end up back here at the correct time?"
"Maybe." replied the Devil, "If any of you can think of a feat that I cannot accomplish, I shall send you back. You all deserve to be here and I have no problem in accommodating you." He continued with an evil grin. "Unfortunately there are rules that have to be observed in cases like this, so each of you has a chance to get back to the land of the living. Time is eternal here, take as long as you want to think of a feat, and then when you are ready, you may challenge me."
The three men couldn't believe that they may have a chance at not going to hell, and moved off slightly so each of them could think of a feat they felt the devil would not be able to do.
After about three hours the Canadian returned to the Devil. "I am ready to challenge you." he stated.
The Devil smiled. "Go ahead."
In Canada we have very cold winters. My job was to drive a snow plough. My Challenge to you is to clear the snow from every road, pathway, driveway, and back ally, throughout the whole of Canada.
The American and the Mexican were impressed, that was indeed a worthy challenge, but the Devil just smiled and said. "So be it."
For the next three days the sun beat down on Canada with the same ferocity it had in the Sahara desert. Not only melting the snow, but totally evaporating even the faintest trace of it.
The Devil turned back to the Canadian and grabbed the front of his clothes, lifting him off his feet and raising him up until they were at eye level with each other.
"I think I win." Said the Devil. A hole appeared in the floor where the Canadian had been standing not moments before, and the Devil casually dropped the screaming man into it.
A few more hours pass, and then the American decides he will challenge the Devil. "I used to be a wheat farmer. In America we have a lot of wheat fields. I challenge you to to remove every single grain of corn in America. Not only in the fields, but from warehouses, shops, people larders and cupboards. There should not be a single grain of corn left in America."
The Mexican nodded in approval, that truly seemed an impossible act. You could not change the weather as it would not affect the corn in warehouses or in peoples home. You could not send a plague of locusts either for the same reason.
The Devil just smiled again though, and said "So be it."
Instantly all the corn in America was altered at the genetic level and became maize instead.
"I win." said the devil. He clicked his fingers and a hole opened so fast beneath the American he had no hope of escape.
As the whole closed again, so the Mexican stepped forward. "I have a challenge for you."
The Devil looked at him and said. " I hope this isn't related to your country in the same way the other two challenges were, I'm getting bored."
"I'm afraid it is similar, yes." said the Mexican. "In out country the main two things in out diet are cheese and beans."
"I know, so what is your challenge?" asked the Devil.
The Mexican broke wind loudly, and then said "Catch that amigo."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rhodri on April 13, 2015, 10:47:07 pm
Why do black people always have nightmares?
Because the last time one had a dream he got shot.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on April 13, 2015, 10:47:56 pm
What do you call a team of transexual crime fighters? The ex-men.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 15, 2015, 03:15:14 am
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HS1342 on April 16, 2015, 02:24:43 am
How many dead babies can you fit in a bathtub?
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 16, 2015, 05:48:02 am
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs... "Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 20, 2015, 04:09:18 am
While shopping this person in front of me dropped €20 and I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?", So I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on April 21, 2015, 08:02:19 am
What do you call a team of MtF transexual superheroes? The Ex-Men.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on April 23, 2015, 02:46:55 am
Little Johnny is in the classroom. The teacher is going to hold something behind her back,and the students have to tell her what she has behind her back. First she hold a ruler and says "it's long, hard and you can measure with it". A little girl stands up and says "it's a ruler". The teacher replies "very good I like the way you think". Then she holds a apple behind her and says "it's red, round and you can eat it". A little boy stands up and says "it's a apple". The teacher replies "very good I like the way you think".
Now little Johnny stands up and Says "Teacher I have one for you". Little Johnny sticks his hand in his pocket and says "it's round,hard and has a head on it". The teacher screams "get to the office". Little Johnny smiles and says" it's a quarter","BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK"
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Bubbadoo on April 23, 2015, 08:20:28 pm
Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped jail?
He is a small medium at large.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 04, 2015, 07:27:55 am
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Bubbadoo on May 04, 2015, 05:00:04 pm
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Hah I remember seeing this joke before, can't remember where though... What's your source?
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 05, 2015, 07:09:40 am
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."
The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.
A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."
Hah I remember seeing this joke before, can't remember where though... What's your source?
I don't remember but it's probably on at least 200 different sites.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Rhodri on May 09, 2015, 01:14:39 am
Took this from one of Buzzfeed's clickbait videos.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
I am so sorry I could not resist doing this. ~Bubbadoo
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 12, 2015, 10:58:37 am
Took this from one of Buzzfeed's clickbait videos.
You won't believe what happened next!
I just had to do that to the post.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 14, 2015, 08:47:15 am
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot at the waiter, but missed.
The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just tried shooting my friend!!!"
The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"
"Why yes," the barman answered. "You're a panda."
"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlightened, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:
PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Mr. Epic Cheese Man on May 18, 2015, 06:59:36 pm
What do you get if you cross maths with religion ?
Math-hammad. The divide-ble. And Jesus was nailed to a plus sign.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 29, 2015, 08:25:10 am
I just found out the Pope is now on twitter. and he's using iOS. I'm really not too sure that this is a good idea. Last time Christianity got involved with an apple, it didn't turn out too well for humanity.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: RedVulnus on May 29, 2015, 12:33:08 pm
I just found out the Pope is now on twitter. and he's using iOS. I'm really not too sure that this is a good idea. Last time Christianity got involved with an apple, it didn't turn out too well for humanity.
Nah, this Pope be cool. In all seriousness he probably knows what he's doing/has someone to help him out with it.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Flame on May 29, 2015, 01:57:28 pm
I just found out the Pope is now on twitter. and he's using iOS. I'm really not too sure that this is a good idea. Last time Christianity got involved with an apple, it didn't turn out too well for humanity.
Nah, this Pope be cool. In all seriousness he probably knows what he's doing/has someone to help him out with it.
(http://i.imgur.com/9gS1L.gif)
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: RedVulnus on May 29, 2015, 04:25:27 pm
I just found out the Pope is now on twitter. and he's using iOS. I'm really not too sure that this is a good idea. Last time Christianity got involved with an apple, it didn't turn out too well for humanity.
Nah, this Pope be cool. In all seriousness he probably knows what he's doing/has someone to help him out with it.
(http://i.imgur.com/9gS1L.gif)
I actually got the reference mate. Also, apples are of the devil, that's why I use 'em to pelt the docs, tell me to eat satanic fruit will you?
Also: :p :p :p
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Six on May 29, 2015, 06:06:36 pm
What if Vulnus was in fact an incredibly good troll and none of us have ever noticed.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: RedVulnus on May 29, 2015, 06:12:54 pm
I think it's that I have an incredibly odd and different sense of humor then most, though it's gotten much better as I've dealt with other personal issues. I'm more a slap stick comedy kind of guy, loving the hell out of the Three Stooges and other such slap stick comedies, so the majority of regular jokes seem to fly over my head. And I also have a hard time telling what's a joke when it's just written down so that doesn't help either.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on May 29, 2015, 06:19:35 pm
....not sure if implying I'm stupid, choosing to think it's a joke. :p
Well yes it's a joke. Not implying your stupid, if anything it's more saying your trolling is good enough to be unable to be told apart from someone who genuinely missed the joke.
(http://i.imgur.com/CqZnABw.png) I'm just digging myself deeper, aren't I?
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Six on May 30, 2015, 03:26:36 am
I don't even have a witty enough response to this honestly.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Perigrin on June 23, 2015, 11:36:19 pm
when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you
And then it tentacle fucks you.
its like a hentai version of Nietzsche
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on August 19, 2015, 02:06:27 pm
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 20, 2015, 03:29:54 am
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!" "What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith. "Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test." "This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?" Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith. "Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 20, 2015, 03:31:49 am
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 20, 2015, 03:36:01 am
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changed are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 20, 2015, 04:05:39 am
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade." He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor said, "My point exactly".
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, " I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, " But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please." Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part of the dog did you get?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: LionSiege on September 20, 2015, 07:43:21 am
A post on facebook read this : "Who can make me a 0.60$ favor?" The first comment said : "Your mother."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 20, 2015, 10:52:06 pm
A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun. ''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.'' ''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?'' ''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.''
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital . . . . "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse." The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302." "I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?" "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!" The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Wheel-Son on September 20, 2015, 11:00:15 pm
I don't think "wakened" is a proper word in the joke there... awakened would work better, along with either woken or wake.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Bubbadoo on September 23, 2015, 01:10:27 am
A guy comes into a bar one day and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy comes into the bar again and asks for the same drinks. When the bartender asks what the problem was today, the guy says,
"I've just found out my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy comes back into the bar yet again and orders another six double vodkas.
The barman says "JESUS! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah! Says the guy, "My wife..."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: ajwilli1 on September 23, 2015, 01:35:24 am
Ouch.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on September 23, 2015, 02:14:42 am
Gay jokes aren't funny, cum on guys...
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 24, 2015, 05:07:20 am
Gay men are fucking assholes.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: LionSiege on September 24, 2015, 02:38:37 pm
Oh god.
But please,dont talk about nazis.My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell of the tower.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 27, 2015, 01:38:40 pm
A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
A blonde, brunette, and red head were on top of a magic mountain. The myth of the mountain was that if you jumped off of it and yelled out what you wanted to be, you would instantly turn into it. The brunette jumped off and said she wanted to be an Eagle, so she turned into an Eagle and flew away. Next, the redhead jumped off and said she wanted to be a cat. So, she landed on all fours and walked away. Then the blonde got a running start, tripped over a rock, and yelled... "CRAP!"
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on September 28, 2015, 02:28:19 am
a guy walks into the restroom at a bar and sees a midget at one of the urinals. He walks over to the other one and starts to take a leak. Out of curiosity, he looks to the side and sees the midget has the biggest dick he's ever seen. After a couple moments of shock, he says, "Hey, uh... I'm not gay or anything, but I couldn't help but notice, well, uh... How'd a little guy like you end with such a huge cock?" The midget answers in an Irish accent, "It's because I'm a leprechaun. I wished it upon meself." "Well, would you be able to give me one, too?" asks the guy. "Sure!" says the leprechaun. "But, it will cost you." "How much?" asks the guy. "I'm a leprechaun with a pot of gold... What would I need your money for? No, you have to let me shag you up the ass!" The guy thinks about it for a few moments. "Well, for a dick that big, I could take it once, I guess." The leprechaun has the guy drop his pants and get down on all fours. He comes up behind him, slowly pushes it in, and starts to pump. "So, what's your name?" he asks the guy. "B-B-B-Bob!" he stammers. "And... How old are ya, Bobby?" "Twenty-seven!" "Now, ain't that a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: HunterAlpha1 on September 30, 2015, 08:26:14 am
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Bubbadoo on October 08, 2015, 04:18:18 am
How do you get holy water? . . . Boil the hell out of it
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 01, 2016, 01:56:11 pm
[US presidents 2km race - finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Bubbadoo on March 07, 2016, 09:44:28 pm
This conversation happened today in school.
So a kid in my virtual class of like.. 5 people? Well anyways, this kid had a bad case of the hiccups. The teacher recommends drinking upside down to do so, which is a sure fire way to cure 'em at least with me. But yeah, to do so you bend forward until you can drink the water with your upper lip.
Another teacher walks in, Mr. Gause that is married to the school counselor Mr. Cobb. and points out that is an odd way to drink water, bending over and sucking like that. Once explaining that it was to cure his hiccups they make this comment. "Huh, maybe the reason I never get hiccups is because I am bending over and sucking often." They along with the whole class erupt with laughter.
This school, I swear. xD
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Wheel-Son on March 08, 2016, 08:44:38 am
Why did little Timmy fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not Timmy.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Six on March 08, 2016, 09:42:22 pm
Donald Trump.
Title: Re: The Daily Funnies! (Jokes and other funny stuff)
Post by: Caconym on March 14, 2016, 06:12:05 am
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."